I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
