It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
