You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
