I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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