yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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