I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
