i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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