Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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