I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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