Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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