There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
