There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
