He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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