bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
