ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
