Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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