apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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