11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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