I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Panties = found
Randomize
