Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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