Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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