I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
