so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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