He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
