you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
