I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
