I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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