Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
