you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
