Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
