the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
