I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
