I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
