I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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