Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
