I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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