I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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