It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
