wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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