it wasn't lemon gatorade
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
