I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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