So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
