There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
