Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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