the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
