All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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