I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
