It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
