my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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