Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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