one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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