I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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