You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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