I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
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She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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