i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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