I bet he comes in French.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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