Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
