I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
