Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
