i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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