goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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