forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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