I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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