At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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