FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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